The cherry on the crapcake of TV programming has to be
"Take Me Out" with the baldy bouncer from Phoenix Nights. This
indication of how we have slipped as a society should not be ignored! First of
all, there's Paddy himself, a man who would not be out of place, and indeed
would be the coolest, funniest guy, in Oceana. Have you heard the shit this
bloke comes out with? And to rapturous applause from the overweight, undereducated
rabble of an audience. So, what's it about? Well, a particularly pathetic man
descends down an oversized hamster tube into somewhere within the 8th circle of
hell. Where has he come from? What's at the other end? Is the tube just sucking
up twats from around the UK like some massive dickhead hoover? If only. How I
would love the idea of moving the chute to the middle of the North Sea. I fear
the reality of the situation is far more disturbing, they're actually putting
themselves forward for this - oh, the humanity! He strides to the back of the
studio (or dances) in either jeans and a shirt (George at Asda) or an
ill-fitting suit (purchased for court appearances), turns round and strikes a
pose. His job is to impress and then choose one of about 40 hags, all as
charmless and desperate as the jabroni up for grabs. At this stage the females
decide whether they would like to go on a date with him or opt out, Pad then
asks a select few the reasons why they are interested or not. The answers
require subtitles. I have no idea what they're plying these women with
beforehand but judging by their answers it may have started life as floor
cleaner. Perhaps one of the requirements for applicants is a full frontal
lobotomy, ".....well 'e's a bit full of 'imself inni, I mean yer
know...what's all this eh", she flails around showing off her bingo wings.
The next is completely indecipherable, god knows where she's from but she
sounds like a cup of hot water thrown into a deep fat fryer, cackling something
about "not her type". Because he doesn't have two heads? Is his
forehead not quite as sloping as she would like? Should Paddy carry round a
protractor testing for homosapiens? "Oooh this one's borderline!" One
of the girls with their 'light still on' is questioned. "I loved the way
'e just come out, like you know, with a bit o' this (she shakes her hips) I
think 'e could be a bit of a wild one, and I'm a bit of a wild one too!!"
The audience go fucking crazy, she's a character it would seem. He then gets to
show a tape of himself, a kind of promo, showing the girls how average he is,
hopefully he will be average enough for them. "Hi I'm fucking Greg, I have
a car and a job (great start), I've been to see James Blunt 12 times this year
already! (really great start)." Greg, or whatever he's called, is on a
roll, but if round two (his mum/sister/boyfriend telling everyone he's a
wimp/bully/bore) doesn't get him, round three (displaying his delusion of
having a talent, such as playing air-guitar whilst showing no shame) sure as
hell will. Greg then selects one of the bozos not turned off by a man who
defines talent as sitting in a bath. As our Pad spouts one more nonsensical
rhyme and the word Fernando's rises above the wit of Wilde, it is time to turn
my TV light off this excrutiatingly moronic meat-market. No lighty, no fucking
likey.
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